Over the course of a normal month, I experience many moons of emotions (hell, often it’s over the course of one day) and as a result, different variations of myself take center stage. If this sounds like a wild ride, believe me, it is, but I know I’m not alone with these fluctuations. Seldom are us complicated humans even-keeled all of the time and what a bore it would be if we were.
I’ve considered the emotional waves to be the result of cyclical depression, phases of anxiety or an overarching, inevitable quality of my Cancer sun sign. Realistically, a culmination of all aforementioned is true.
When I was younger and first discovering all of my intricate inner-workings, I would experience emotionally led states in different ways that all felt mildly unintentional or uncontrollable. Because of feeling internally chaotic, I would allow my behaviors to follow suit. I would antagonize people around me, strive for rebellious independence, and often turn inward to wallow in my own self pity as a result of trying to ride the tidal waves inside. I was in my own world and ultimately unsure of who was steering the boat.
My actions during these changing phases would mirror my internal state. If I was feeling stressed or emotionally charged, I would find ways to soothe those experiences without considering the consequences. In those moments, I didn’t think about aligning my behaviors with who I wanted to be and the problem was, the habitual self-soothing mechanisms that I chose would often enhance my already unpleasant state. I would isolate myself, over-eat, party, spend money on material things, pick fights with the people I loved all out of discomfort with myself… trying anything to ignore my shifting moods.
As a reflective adult, I know my younger self was behaving out of character while waiting and wanting to feel “back to normal.” I often used my emotional states as justification of my behaviors; I just wasn’t aware of it at the time. As I continued to connect with myself, I began to practice stepping outside of my current state to observe things from a larger picture. From there, I learned that my emotions were directly correlated to my behaviors and understood how I felt to be largely impacted by how I responded. I realized that I could get myself back to solid ground by choosing how to respond. I also realized some of my emotions didn’t warrant a response at all.
I began to see reality as malleable.
We all have ideal versions of ourselves. We also have our actual selves. During a shadow-work exercise the other morning, I practiced differentiating between the two. I started by writing two lists. On the first list, I wrote down qualities of my ideal self and behaviors that would lead to those qualities. On the second list, I wrote down qualities of my actual self and my current behaviors making those qualities true. Furthermore, I wrote down a few examples of what my life would look like after behaving as my ideal self, compared to what my life looks like now.
Then, I compared the two lists, all of their contents and harvested a bit of honesty with myself about the gaps.
This exercise can lead to a few things; deeper self awareness, reconnecting to yourself after periods of inevitable life distraction or change, or a swift kick in the ass that says, “you’re not doing what you should be doing and you know it.”
The truth is, what we think leads to what we do and what we do turns into our life. How we respond is everything. What we do with our current situation, is everything.
For me and my (still) emotionally charged self, this means acting in ways that align with how I want to feel instead of mirroring how I might currently feel. By doing this, I give myself the opportunity to reach my potential instead of letting go of the reins. I give myself the opportunity to create my ideal life. I choose my reality.
We’re never too old to reconnect with ourselves and what we want. As we learn, experience and grow - our ideal self evolves. Who we want to be, what we value and how we want to live is an ever flowing body of water as we are creatures on a continuous journey. Keep in mind, we don’t all of a sudden, arrive at this version of ourselves but staying connected to it is the best way we can behave in ways that make us feel internally fulfilled. Staying connected to our ideal selves is the best way we can understand our authentic purpose and use each day to design our wildest visions into sustainable ways of living.
Today, think of your ideal self.
How do they feel?
How do they spend their time?
How do they take care of themselves?
How do they think about themselves, about others?
What does their life look like, as a result?
Now, go and do some of the things on this list.
Create your own reality. Design your own life.
When the day is done, you’ll be happy you did.
All for now, friends.
Cheers,
-K